I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize