did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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