I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
