Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
