Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
