I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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