I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
