You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
