apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
