is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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