ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
