Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
