hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
