Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
