She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
