I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
