The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
