turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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