John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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