So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
