The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
