Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
