I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've blown a few things in my day
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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