I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
