I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
