Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
