1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
