Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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