Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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