I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
