Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
