member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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