I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
