He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
