Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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