I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
