I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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