you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize