Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
