final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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