I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
