ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
