dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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