Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
