I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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