Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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