You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
