Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
