I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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