I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
