Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
