I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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