Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
