My nipple is on Facebook.
I think my fart just growled at me.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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