if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
