You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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